I Still Get Things Down From High Places

Reconciling My Wedding Vows With My Pursuit Of Authenticity

This is Sitting Queerly, a newsletter focused on the late blooming queer experience, the lofty goal of opening up conversations and celebrating those who embrace their full selves.

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My wedding anniversary—our wedding anniversary—was two days ago. Eleven years.

We don’t make a big to-do out of it. We might go out, we might not. One thing we tend to do each year is revisit the artifacts of our wedding—the expansive photobook I made from our beautiful wedding day photos and copies of our save-the-date, invitation and program emblazoned with cupid-winged dinosaurs (because obvs), all tucked inside a pine box.

This also includes the wedding vows we wrote for each other, scribbled onto scraps of paper, folded and creased from being kept in a pocket or garter.

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It was about two months after I came out to my wife that I realized I was going to need to have a sexual experience with a man.

Before then, I had never allowed myself to even flirt with the possibility. Never cammed with another guy, never used the apps, never cruised. The closest I ever got was a drunken kiss on a dare with a gay college classmate while at an end-of-semester barn party and, while not an unpleasant experience, my recollection of the event is as hazy as an IPA.

But I was beginning to realize it wasn’t just a sexual experience with a man I needed; I needed something of an emotional relationship. Something akin to that I had with my few very close male friends. And that terrified me. 

“I don’t know what I want, or I do and I believe they are incompatible. Some in [support group] would insist I talk to [my wife] and stop assuming I know how she feels. But how could she feel anything but betrayal with what I want?...I’m the only one who is changing lately, who is different. Maybe it’s the sheer volume of porn I’m watching now. But maybe it’s also because I want someone else now and won’t admit it. And that scares the shit out of me. I love her. I love being with her. We have so much together. Why am I ruining all that?”

• Journal, 3/27/23

“Multiple times a day I go back and forth. I need to be with a man. I can meet my needs with just my wife. I was cheated out of experiencing my true self. I have someone I love and am attracted to, that is enough…Yet, will it be enough? And if it isn’t?”

• Journal, 4/19/23

Like most Americans, this was far outside what I was taught growing up as a preferred and accepted type of relationship. It was drilled into my head along with my siblings and I’d suspect most every kid I grew up with that we were expected to marry a member of the opposite gender and have kids. This expectation, if not actively encouraged by our parents, was driven home by society at large. Heterosexual monogamous marriage between two opposite cisgender individuals has received preferential treatment religiously, legally and socially for centuries. 

But as I connected and talked with other men in my circumstances, I learned there are a fair number of guys in mixed orientation marriages (MOMs) who have open marriages or practice ethical non-monogamy or polyamory. But those are broad strokes on a palette full of numerous hues, shades and textures. 

Image source: https://www.drjasonwinters.com/blogs/psychology-of-sexuality/2012/03/07/sexual-relationship-road-map

All of this blew my mind. Not so much that there are men who get some action on the side, but that many of them have made this an established and accepted part of their marriages with their wives. Sure, the devil’s in the details: some guys routinely have cordial dinner dates with their guy and his wife, some take weeklong vacations while the wife stays home, some couples share a boyfriend or three, some wives know when their husband is headed to the bathhouse or a queer campground for a weekend, and some wives prefer to be left in the dark and just enjoy a weekend or night to themselves. But the understanding that one spouse is queer and thus seeking out sexual pleasure outside the marriage with the other spouse’s knowledge and tacit acceptance is central to it all.

Do these arrangements work or even last? It depends on who you talk to. Some research indicates that individuals in monogamous and consensual non-monogamous relationships have no notable difference in quality of relationship or psychological well-being. Nonetheless, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone saying that an open marriage is a path to success; most marriage counselors, attorneys, and news outlets report that nearly all open marriages (upwards of 90%) fail, breaking up the primary couple in the process. I’ve met plenty of guys since accepting my queerness who wanted to stay with their wives—loved them—but needed some flexibility to meet their needs. But their wives would never consider it and would instead push for separation and divorce.

“Would I be OK if our marriage ended? I can’t believe I’m even making such a thing tangible for my eyes. But acceptance of the potential finiteness of relationships—even loving marriages—is being discussed [in support group] as a natural requirement of being out and/or engaging in any sort of openness. Again, I am just struck and repulsed by the sheer unfairness of this all to [my wife]. Just…how can I be doing this to her, even entertaining, even hearing it?”

• Journal, 5/22/23

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My wife and I are not religious folk. I wouldn’t even call us “spiritual.” I find this amusing given that her parents are pastors and I converted to Catholicism in college and was still practicing when we started dating.

We did have our wedding ceremony in a church, the church we are members of, in fact. However, the reason we attend this church is so my wife could join the choir and scratch her itch to sing. And the fact that it is possibly the most progressive church in our community—Pride and Black Lives Matter flags have flown outside it for years, several members were founders of local immigrant support and inclusivity and diversity organizations, and many congregants are frequent participants in protests ranging from gun control to women’s rights—affirms to us that we are supporting an entity that fits our values, ethically if not religiously.

It was this same lack of religiosity that inclined us to write our own wedding vows. Traditional religious ones just didn’t fit the kind of relationship we have. Forget the fact that they often mention the wife submitting to the husband (ha!). Our relationship had long been built on sarcasm, irreverence and no bullshit. All in a loving way, of course.

We drafted them secretly, planning to surprise each other on our wedding day with what we had to say.

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At first I tried to test the waters, see what my wife thought about the concept of an open marriage, how the tea leaves settled in her mind.

My efforts did not inspire my confidence.

“We were sitting at the dining room table eating…when I asked how we’re doing, how she’s doing since I came out. She looked puzzled and just said she felt things were fine, that she wasn’t concerned.”

‘I don’t worry about you and other women, why would I worry about you and other men?’

Well…I don’t fantasize about other women [I replied]. I do fantasize about men. I acknowledged I wouldn’t cheat and I wouldn’t lie to her.

‘I know, it’s not in your nature.’

But part of me is…crestfallen. Her responses give me the impression she would not be happy or accepting of me exploring with other men. Which, yes, completely understandable, but…”

• Journal, 4/8/23

“...I shared how much I’ve valued being in (support group) and having other guys to talk to and she said she’d noticed that I seem to be doing a lot with them and I added that they all have such different circumstances. Some are divorced, which I was quick to say I didn’t think we needed to do and she agreed. Then I pointed out that others have opened their marriages to different degrees.

‘Would that be something you consider?’

‘I hadn’t ever thought about it.’

I sensed tension and let it drop.

I did what I always do and make a million predictions based on my fears, my worst case scenarios…Part of me admittedly wanted a more definitive response. A ‘hell no’ or a ‘hell yes.’ As much as the world is gray, I need the binary to navigate it. I have no idea how she feels about it. Part of me feels so stupid and selfish. How could I ask for such a thing?”

• Journal, 5/5/23

One of my toxic traits is I predict how people will respond to something and move forward based on that prediction rather than approaching them and actually asking them. I twist myself into a ball of knots trying to hold everything together, to not lose what I have.

Finally, at the beginning of June last year, I worked up the confidence to tell my wife in no uncertain terms that I needed to explore my sexuality, I needed to experience physical intimacy with a man. Not right now, not in a month, I don’t have a man waiting in the wings (or the sheets), but it’s something I need. I told her I still love her and enjoy sex with her and will place our relationship and the needs of our kids as a priority regardless. What I seek is supplementary, not replacement; no one person can completely meet the needs of another, and while that is taboo in our culture when it comes to sexual behavior, there’s no reason to think it wouldn’t apply to it. I stressed that we didn’t need to discuss at length now, more that I wanted her to know where I am at so she wouldn’t be blindsided.

/exhale

As when I came out to her, she seemed to take it all in stride, though I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable. She was relieved that I wasn’t looking for us to do a threesome. I asked if she also had needs she needed fulfilled and she said she’s certain of her straightness and has no interest in opening things on her end. She said that if and when things progress for me, she’d want me to do STI testing and take PrEP, which I assured her were already something I would do out of basic courtesy and concern for her.

By all rights and purposes, I should have been thrilled at how this conversation went. The only way it could have gone better was if she brought a top into the room and guided his dick into me. But that’s not how I felt. I became depressed, anxious and exhausted. 

I questioned whether my wife was being fully honest about how she felt, that her expression of support lacking a strong emotional component was masking the pain I was causing her. 

I questioned why I would even bring up the issue to begin with. My latest bi-cycle had passed and I just didn’t feel the immediacy as I had recently. 

I questioned the likelihood such an opportunity will even present itself. Not like the ladies even were knocking down my door in my younger and thinner days. I questioned how I could even think I could manage two intimate relationships, emotionally and logistically. 

I questioned how I would live my life going forward, weighing the psychic and tangible costs of being fully out to being essentially closeted. 

I questioned whether I truly love my wife and was just staying together because of those costs. 

I questioned whether I have any integrity or I’ve just managed to fool people (and myself) for a long time. 

I questioned whether any of my relationships with anyone have been valid or would even continue should my true self be made clear.

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Here is what I said to my wife in front of our friends and family 11 years ago.

I promise to get things down from high places¹

I promise to stomp on all creepy crawlies

I promise to clean up your kitchen messes

I promise to play with your hair and tickle you when you least expect it

I promise to take your picture wherever we go

I promise to hold you after you’ve had a correction and applaud you when you have a spot-on headline²

I promise to walk with you in desert, forest and surf

I promise to care for you in sleeplessness and health

I promise to build a life with you

I guess what I’m trying to say is

I promise to love you now and forever

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Several weeks after I told her I wanted to open the marriage, we spoke about it again. I had struggled through severe depression and anxiety during that time because I was so worried about her seeing my pursuit of men as being about something she had done or not done. 

She took it all in. Didn’t balk. Didn’t get emotional (I did because duh). She didn’t have answers to all my questions but I didn’t expect she would on the spot. We both agreed there would be more conversations. She agreed to read The Ethical Slut together (“I’ve heard of that book!”).

She acknowledged that there is a tiny voice in her head that fears what if I want more with a man once I start exploring. I shared that that’s a fear of mine, too, because I love our life, everything we’ve built and experiencing it all with her.

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In one of the groups I connected with after accepting my queerness, there was a discussion around reconciling wedding vows with one’s queerness, particularly in the context of sexual acts. Several guys noted that they had broken their own vows by having sex with men without their spouse’s knowledge and/or lying about it when confronted.

One member, who practiced Judaism, noted that in his tradition, a marriage at its core is a contract. According to the Mishnah, a woman is acquired³ in three ways: through money, a contract, and sexual intercourse. Ordinarily, all three of these conditions are satisfied, although only one is necessary to effect a binding marriage. Their marriage contract, or ketubah, is hanging on their wall. 

Further, as a contract, “it can be modified with mutual consent.” And he noted that it has no mention of exclusivity written into it to begin with.

On the surface, this framing made me a little uneasy. Using concepts like contractual language, modification and intent made it seem like a marriage is more a business relationship rather than one of love and devotion (footnote: although, until relatively recently, marriages were business/survival oriented first, while love was a happy accident if it occured). This did not stop me from looking at the vows I made and…what I was seeking was not contrary to what I promised her.

The strongest relationships are built on honest and consistent communication, at least that’s what the experts say. It’s how you know that you need to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home from work, pick up the slack on Thursday so your spouse can focus on a stressful work commitment, make sure the bills you’re responsible for get paid, compromise on that shade of pink for the accent wall in the living room. 

It’s when we guess what the other partner wants/needs/accepts that we get ourselves in trouble, be it through unilateral home decor decisions to making commitments of our time and resources to others. And no marriage is exactly the same from the day you walk down the aisle to when you take your last breath; we grow, we adapt, we change. For better and for worse. Together.

I’m trying to be better about not guessing what my wife needs. And I think she’s trying to be better about telling me how she’s feeling. 

But I still get things down from high places and I think I always will.

Coming in next week’s newsletter…

The complex relationship between my journey discovering my queerness and my demotion, humiliation and layoff from my job.

1. My wife is 4’10”. This opening line got some laughs from those attending.

2. We were both still working in newspapers at the time, she as a copyeditor and me as a reporter.

3. His/the Talmud’s word, not mine.