Without A Shadow Of A Doubt

A Digital Metaphor Wrapped In A Classical Allegory

Photo by Joe Pearson on Unsplash

This is Sitting Queerly, a newsletter focused on the late blooming queer experience, the lofty goal of opening up conversations and celebrating those who embrace their full selves.

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I want to do what Gabriela Nguyen has done.

Oh, to be free of social media—to not begin checking notifications as soon as I’m awake—because I simply have chosen to not exist there. To only feel compelled to pull out my phone when it dings because of a calendar reminder or a text message from a family member or friend. To share photos only via DMs or email (or even as prints!) and not just plastered online to somehow prove that I have a life offline. To not stay up late, alone, unable to stop scrolling and looking at the world burning, figuratively and literally. To engage with the world as it is, not as it is portrayed via firelight and shadows.

Growing up, I and my friends just had pagers and flip phones and knew sending a text could bankrupt our families with the data charges. Gabriela and her fellow Zoomers have never known a world without the perpetual distraction of digital devices and the portals they harbor. Ratioing, online bullying and relentless notifications became a regular part of their lives before puberty even kicked in, and the same goes for my daughters’ Generation Alpha. I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to go through adolescence with social media. Middle school and high school were enough of a terrible experience without bringing it home with me in my pocket every day.

Of course, I’m not going to do what Gabriela has done.

Sure, I left Twitter within days of Elon Musk acquiring it, a preemptive move to avoid the shithole it’s become but also in response to the fact that scrolling it was substantially contributing to my anxiety disorder. I deleted my Threads this past weekend. Never had TikTok or Snapchat.

But I still have a Facebook profile and two accounts on Instagram. I have no plans to get rid of Discord or Reddit or Scruff. Same goes for this here Substack. LinkedIn is an unfortunate necessity for my career. And now I’m considering Bluesky as more of the people I follow on other platforms flee to it. Yet another shadow cast on the wall of a cave.

I appreciate that Gabriela is not judgmental of people like me who feel unable to remove ourselves from the Swamp of Sadness (and Rage and Prejudice and Ignorance) that social media has become. She does not view it as a moral failing or a lack of personal character that people like me have let social media make us more depressed, more anxious, more fearful, more shallow, more angry and yet unable to keep absorbing it through our squinting eyes

Humans are limited by our biology; technology, on the other hand, can improve infinitely. It seems unfair and unrealistic to expect that I’ll suddenly be able to conjure more willpower, wisdom, and time. I do not think that I am an outlier who just has bad self-control.

Yet, I find myself making excuses for why I can’t do what Gabriela has done.

I note that social media has been critical to my entire career (for better and much, much worse) and deleting my profiles would also mean losing contact with a vast network of people and organizations that I rely on to do my job.

I reason that, really, my generation was just as doomed to social media addiction as much as Zoomers and Gen Alpha, as AIM Messenger, LiveJournal and messageboards built our tolerance (and insatiable need) for online engagement.

I heed (and agree with) messages from others on social media that abandoning the platforms will only accelerate their descent into rampant (and monetized) white supremacy, xenophobia, transphobia, homophobia, misogyny and violence as the agents of discord spread their message without opposition.

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A post shared by @werewolffbarmitzvah

But, the sad truth is, social media has let me be more real than I ever was in real life.

When I first began accepting myself, it was through Facebook Groups and subreddits where I began reading about others experiences like mine and expressing what I was feeling.

It’s through Discord that I became connected to an extraordinary group of men and one transwoman who have become more than a support group.

I met Harry via Scruff, leading to one of the most transformative relationships of my life.

Instagram was a testing ground for what would become Sitting Queerly, which has allowed me to explore and share my queer journey and even get paid for the privilege.

No one and nothing knew who I really was. But the shadows do. And the shadows may not depict reality, or at best a flimsy simulacrum, but I know the shadows are at least shadows. There is something behind them, something moving them, something real about them. And I know that because, eventually, I turned my head enough to look at them, perceive what they really were, albeit maybe still backlight by a fire or even the mouth of the cave itself.

Harry messaged me a few days ago, just a heads up that he deleted his Instagram but wanted to reach out as I was one of the few people he interacted with on the platform. He was still mourning the eventual deletion of his TikTok. I told him I was weighing my options regarding social media, as well.

IG sounds like it’s been instrumental in connecting you with others throughout your queer journey. That may outweigh the politics of it, honestly. I think it’s going to be a different calculation for everyone.

Certainly no judgement for keeping it, from me anyway.

I still marvel at how he came into my life, the good fortune of it. The same goes for the queer friends I’ve made, the men I have come to know. It’s almost like they came from somewhere brighter than where I’ve spent my whole life, for some reason choosing to descend to where I am.

Maybe someday I’ll walk out of the cave with them.