This Is Sitting Queerly

Come in, have a seat

A little over one year ago I began to accept my bisexuality.

Well, “accept” is maybe not the right term. 

“Acknowledged” my bisexuality. “Confronted” my bisexuality.  “Resigned to” my bisexuality. Those terms better fit the tone of the entry I wrote in my journal on Feb. 1, 2023. 

Left unwritten was how I felt about how this would affect the people in my life—my wife, my kids, my broader family, my friendships, my professional life. I was convinced I was blowing it all up and I didn’t know why but I also didn’t know how I couldn’t.

“It’s too late now” was the last thing I wrote that day.

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“We do not just become who we are; we become teachers, fathers, Buddhists, bikers, feminists, members of the gay community. Identity formation, then, is not only a matter of looking inside to discover who one truly is, but also a matter of looking outside, to the stories about human life and the range of social possibilities offered by one’s culture, and choosing how one will be identified within them. Without this assimilation of the private to the social, we literally cannot make sense to ourselves or to other people in our culture…But what if important parts of the self or parts of one’s history resist being interpreted through the available cultural narratives? What if (we) look outside and find nothing in the culture that (we) can recognize and make sense of what is on the inside?”

-Thomas B. Swan & Suzanne Benack, Renegotiating Identity In Unscripted Territory: The Predicament of Queer Men In Heterosexual Marriages, Journal of GLBT Family Studies

Presented with a problem or a challenge, I often have little confidence in resolving it independently in my own vacuum. I need to see, to hear, to understand how others have tackled it. Because most problems and challenges we face are novel only to ourselves. I don’t need to reinvent the wheel, I just need to know how others have built one.

And most people are the same way. Seeking advice and guidance is one of the reasons we develop relationships. Countless cultural institutions exist to be resources for current and future generations. There are entire industries built around self-help, parenting, home improvement, and every hobby or pastime under the sun. 

But what if you don’t know anyone who built the wheel you need? One that can travel on solid ground and on sand and on water. Can’t find an organization that specializes in it, a book that details it. When you ask how to make such a wheel, you are met with confusion or exasperation or derision.

“That’s…not a thing.”

“Why don’t you just use a boat when you’re on the water?” 

“I think you’re being ridiculous.”

When I began trying to understand my bisexuality (I actually prefer the term “queerness,” but that’s for a future newsletter) and the implications it had for my life, I found lots of questions and lots of other guys (and women!) with questions like mine. I mean, what’s a cisgender man married to a woman with two children who is suddenly contending with the fact that I also like dudes and have for a long time but was not so subtly taught that wasn’t ok and coped with it in mostly unhealthy ways supposed to do?

What I didn’t find a lot of were affirming and/or relevant conversations that addressed the complexity of my circumstances, or when I did, they were in far flung corners of the Internet, often behind password-protected barriers and expiring links.

This newsletter’s lofty goal is to open up that conversation. Not provide answers, at least not definitive ones because there’s nothing more clear to me a year into this journey that there are no definitive answers…except for the following:

• It’s not too late.

• Being bi/queer is a thing.

• You don’t have to use a boat if you don’t want to.

• You are not being ridiculous.

Who I am

I go by Ty. Professionally, I am a communicator who was an award-winning journalist in a past life and has spent the past 7+ years in public relations. Personally, I am a middle-aged married father of two from the Midwest who is a Pacific Northwesterner by choice but I don’t live where it’s green and wet all the time. I like to make things and I have an unhealthy addiction to chocolate milk.

Who this newsletter is for

Late-blooming queers and those in their life who embrace them, as well as all who want to see more people living as their full selves.

What you can expect in this newsletter

Essays, interviews, photographs, art, music and other media about: 

• Bisexuality/queerness from a late bloomer’s perspective, including reconciling and forgiving past selves;

• Relationships, whether they are familial, professional, platonic, romantic or sexual;

• Mental health and therapy, particularly in the context of shame/guilt, negative self-image, people pleasing and belonging; 

• Exploration of queer culture, figures, advocacy and phenomena;

• Whatever randomness I decide to share on a whim because I contain multitudes.

I’ll also publish shorter form things to the web only at times, which I may reference in the weekly newsletter. Things I restack in my Notes may also make appearances or be referenced.

Unsurprisingly, the above may include, from time to time, discussions of triggering topics such as explicit descriptions of homosexual (and heterosexual!) acts, non-traditional relationships, suicidal ideation and other things I can’t immediately think of. I will do my best to provide trigger warnings at the head of those newsletters or relevant sections.

And while I am going to be open about my life and experiences, you may see pseudonyms for other individuals I write about who may not be similarly comfortable. Everyone gets to decide how comfortable they are sharing themselves here.

When you can expect to see this newsletter

I’m gonna be bold and go for a weekly distribution, Mondays at 3 p.m. Pacific.

Why “Sitting Queerly”

Honestly? Because Better Late Than Never was already taken.

The colloquialism “sitting pretty” is relatively young and unique to American English. It denotes being in a confident or comfortable position. 

One thing I’ve learned in my crash course queer education is that bisexuals have certain, albeit stereotypical, behavioral touchstones. Using the “finger guns” gesture. Having an affinity for lemon bars. And a tendency to not sit up straight or “normally.” 

Personally, I ascribe to Lawful Neutral and Chaotic Neutral

I hope you’ll take a seat in whatever way you like and tune in.

Coming in the next issue

I didn’t want to go to therapy because I was afraid it would make me come out. That fear came true, and I’m so glad it did.