I've been thinking a lot about the label "monster" that you applied to yourself since first reading this essay. I understand the impulse but feel it's unfair to use it in the instances as you've explained. I didn't detect intentional cruelty or malice.
I implore you: don't be so tough on yourself while excavating one's mistakes and learning from them is valuable but it doesn't require you to be the malignant perpetrator.
I am sad to learn that you experienced such a terrible encounter with a new man while you were exploring and making yourself vulnerable and hope it doesn't deter you from taking the leap to meet new, worthy men in the future. 🤗
Thanks, Jerry. I appreciate that feedback and others have shared it with me as well. In writing this I was attempting to note that while I've often been incredibly critical of my past behavior, I recognize now that behavior was driven by so much outside of myself. And that's the real monster, the societal expectations, roles and beliefs around sex that feed into dysfunctional relationships with it.
I still struggle with a lot of shame and guilt. I'm getting better but after a lifetime of self-deprecation, it's going to take some time.
The more open society becomes about topics such as the one you address here, the better.
Fully agree!
I've been thinking a lot about the label "monster" that you applied to yourself since first reading this essay. I understand the impulse but feel it's unfair to use it in the instances as you've explained. I didn't detect intentional cruelty or malice.
I implore you: don't be so tough on yourself while excavating one's mistakes and learning from them is valuable but it doesn't require you to be the malignant perpetrator.
I am sad to learn that you experienced such a terrible encounter with a new man while you were exploring and making yourself vulnerable and hope it doesn't deter you from taking the leap to meet new, worthy men in the future. 🤗
Thanks, Jerry. I appreciate that feedback and others have shared it with me as well. In writing this I was attempting to note that while I've often been incredibly critical of my past behavior, I recognize now that behavior was driven by so much outside of myself. And that's the real monster, the societal expectations, roles and beliefs around sex that feed into dysfunctional relationships with it.
I still struggle with a lot of shame and guilt. I'm getting better but after a lifetime of self-deprecation, it's going to take some time.